Bad Week
Hugo Rifkind imagines a wek in the life of the Labour leader Ed Miliband whose poll ratings are going through the floor.
Chances are, people in Scotland will vote for me anyway, though. I mean, they always do, don’t they? Getty Images
Monday
I don’t think I’ve seen Ed Balls looking this cheerful since that intern he didn’t like slammed her thumb in a drawer.
“Great news!” he says, high-fiving Chuka Umunna. “The Scottish party is in absolute meltdown after the acrimonious resignation of its leader Johann Lamont!”
“Doesn’t sound like great news,” I say.
Ed says he hadn’t noticed I was there. Then he says that it’s part of a complex election-winning strategy he might not have explained yet. And totally doesn’t involve him wanting me to lose the election so that Labour elects a new leader. One with lots of experience, for example, who is actually quite a lot nicer than many people presume.
“Or who is terribly good looking,” says Chuka. “Albeit not with much hair.”
“Or anything,” agrees Ed.
Although I do see an upside, because Lamont has been saying I treat Scotland like a branch office. And to be honest, if people want to think of me as a completely perfectionist mastermind who is always totally in control of everything, then I suppose that’s fine by me.
“And I’ll tell people that,” I say, “at my Edinburgh fundraiser tomorrow.”
“It’s in Glasgow,” says Ed. “On Thursday.”
“Bugger,” I say.
Tuesday
Chances are, people in Scotland will vote for me anyway, though. I mean, they always do, don’t they? So today, the main thing we’re worrying about is the fallout from Ed’s mansion tax. Which all of our London supporters hate.
“We should totally call it that,” says Ed. “Officially. ‘Ed’s Mansion Tax’.”
“Brilliant idea!”
It’s funny, I say, because he obviously hasn’t realised. But if we call it that, people will think it’s mine.
“Mate,” says Ed. “That’s fine.”
Wednesday
We’re playing that fun office game, where everybody tries to knock an apple off my head by throwing a paper knife, when the poll results come in. Turns out that people in Scotland aren’t still going to vote for me after all. Ed looks at the figures and goes a bit pale.
“This is bad,” he says.
“And thus good?” I say.
“No,” he says. “So bad it’s definitely bad.”
After that, we shout at each other for not paying attention to Scotland. Then Ed says we need to get somebody Scottish in, such as whatsisname, to find out what’s going on. So I say that’s a great idea, even though I don’t know who he’s talking about, and then Chuka sends off a SpAd to get Danny Alexander and the SpAd comes back and says he isn’t in our party. Then we remember it’s Douglas Alexander we want, and send somebody to get him, and then we’re a bit confused as to why he isn’t ginger. And then we ask him why people think we don’t care about Scotland. He doesn’t know.
Thursday
Now Maureen Lipman has said she’s deserting Labour because she doesn’t like me, either. Which Ed says is more good news.
